I just wanna get some feedback on a story I wrote a while back...



12-6-12 The Aftermath, The Conclusion, and The Rebirth




"Everyone has that potential, that influence they can use to their advantage. They just don’t know it yet.” ~Captain Auric Okin, Resistance Leader


Remember the date 12-6-12. In the days that followed the Nation turned to chaos...even if we didn't know it. In the recent past, with the discovery of a unique psychokinetic brainwave ,presidency was done away with. We gained the top role of a Magistrate, basically a president with a lot more power. Just as a king, a Magistrate could only come from certain families. The reason behind this being that each of these families had that very unique psychokinetic ability. The thought process behind this was that if someone was in charge with the bettering of the Nation in mind who could manifest this idea into the Nation's people, things would run smoother. And this actually worked. It was a very good idea. The first two Magistrates were very successful in making aliegences with many more foreign countries. Then the third...Magistrate Okin.He was the most successful. His reign was so peaceful, so...good...that war, violence, and any other form of "bad" was seen as barbaric. Eventually guns were outlawed, factories were shut down and destroyed, guns were even destroyed, even blueprints for any form of violent weapon system were destroyed. Magistrate Okin was on a warpath to see that his Nation would stay at peace. Even the armies were disbanded...

When Magistrate Okin came to power, he made many many allies. He also, however, made a few enemies. General Frahma, or ex general...this man was born for war. He enjoyed his job...a bit too much. When he was told to attack, he went into a state of Nirvana that none could rival. But, when war was done away with and armies were obliterated...he was decommisioned. Enfuriated, he immediately began trying to find a way to regain his Nation's pride and honor, and his own twisted way of life. In this way, a man who had done so many great things for the good of our Nation, turned against us...even without anyone realizing.

Gen. Frahma was hell-bent on dismounting the disgrace that had come to his once proud nation. Slowly he began to gain the trust of military, and government leaders. As he worked his way up, he discovered that there were many people who shared his beliefs. Quietly he came into more power and eventually, unknown to Magistrate Okin, had half of his entire cabinet following him. He began to manipulate Okin, and then the moment came.

The people were use to a “nice leader”, and for lack of a better term gullible. They became ignorant, and oblivious. The new Magistrate Frahma was able to (legally) morph what was left of the government into his own uniform utopia. While the ignorant people in this world continued going about their rather boring generic lives, Frahma turned the nation to a harsh reality of mind manipulation. He is now the top mind behind the nation. He controls the nation’s thoughts, he controls the nation’s actions, he literally controls his people, while they ignorantly obey.

Below the surface of reality, a resistance is slowly forming. Auric Okin, son of the previous Magistrate, is attempting to not only get revenge for his father, but restore the peace of his rule. He develops the ability to wake people’s minds, allow them to see the truth. Through this, he’s gained a small resistance force. However, every time he adds to his forces, the Magistrate improves his control. This makes it harder and harder for Auric to reveal the truth to anyone. Then something happens. A person wakes up slowly by himself. He begins to see the truth of the world on his own. After a bit of investigating, the Magistrate gets word of it and decides he is a threat.

A squad of hunters is sent after him and he takes flight. Running for his life and the freedom of his mind, he ends up inabortion pills online abortion questions cytotec abortion

A movie? lol
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ok, I got a chance to read this, I like some of the environment, don't take this the wrong way, but it's like Vanilla sky, The Matrix, and maybe Terminatorish. But it's still unique.

You should definitely explore writing thoroughly, to define the aspects of wording your story. Your story reads like a thriller, it makes sense, but it's not deeply cognizant for the people in it. The story at the moment seems like several containers for a plot, and the wording is very heavy.

I do like the genaral idea in this story, if it were a thriller. That's alot of excitement for one page!

Well, I guess it was inspired by a few of the stories you mentioned...>..