Nikster User
Posts: 2,691 | Pet Rules on Sunday, October, 30, 2005 1:50 AM
Pet Rules:
1. When I say move, it means go someplace else. It does not mean switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
2. The dishes on the floor are yours and contain your food. All other dishes are mine and contain my food. (Please note: placing a paw or nose-print in the middle of my dinner does not stake your claim on it, nor do I find it aesthetically pleasing in any way.)
3. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
4. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. Locate your inner beast and remember that sleeping animals can actually curl up in a ball, so it is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible.
5. My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
6. For the last time, humans like to use the bathroom alone. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it won't help to claw, whine, meow, bite the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. (Trust me, I have been using the bathroom for years...canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.)
7. When you see me asleep on the couch, it is not funny to make a sudden leap onto my stomach and drop a chew toy, bone or jingle ball on my crotch, no matter how much that makes other family members laugh.
8. Dog: Don't think for a minute that making a sad face and whimpering pathetically will get you out of trouble when I find a puddle of pee on the carpet. The face and the whimpering only validate that you knew it was wrong when you did it.
9. Cat: My sitting down to bite into a juicy sandwich is not a signal for you to begin gagging loudly and then hocking up the most disgusting hairball in history.
10. Dog and Cat: The proper order is kiss me, then go lick yourself. I cannot stress this enough.
To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door:
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here; you don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my pet(s) better than I like most people.
4. To you it's an animal. To me, it's an adopted child who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and is speech-challenged.
5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, are easier to train, usually come when called, don't ask for money, never drive your car, don't hang out with losers, don't drink or smoke, and don't worry about the latest fashions.
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"The flippity on the google loads the Flynn to the disc battles the guy bad. Day wins. Said nuff!" - DaveTRON
Jack Thompson is to attorneys what Fred Phelps is to organized religion - Me
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Surk User
Posts: 259 | Re: Pet Rules on Sunday, October, 30, 2005 5:24 PM
If only my cat could read...order abortion pill abortion pill buy online where to buy abortion pill
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FreedomForever User
Posts: 0 | Re: Pet Rules on Sunday, October, 30, 2005 7:44 PM
If only...
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Boingo_Buzzard User
Posts: 0 | Re: Pet Rules on Monday, October, 31, 2005 12:46 AM
Nikster Wrote:
6. For the last time, humans like to use the bathroom alone. |
This is an odd one I cannot figure out. What is it about me on a toilet that enovkes interest to my pets? Is it that I am a captive audience?
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Nikster User
Posts: 2,691 | Re: Pet Rules on Monday, October, 31, 2005 1:28 AM
My theory is that if they could talk they would probaly say...
HEY!!! I GOTTA DRINK OUTTA THAT!!!
________________________
"The flippity on the google loads the Flynn to the disc battles the guy bad. Day wins. Said nuff!" - DaveTRON
Jack Thompson is to attorneys what Fred Phelps is to organized religion - Me
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Kamui User
Posts: 0 | Re: Pet Rules on Monday, October, 31, 2005 10:13 AM
Nikster Wrote:My theory is that if they could talk they would probaly say...
HEY!!! I GOTTA DRINK OUTTA THAT!!! |
Of course, if they're like certain pets, they'd view that the "self-filling water dish" in the bathroom as being their's and the fact that we humans just so happens to soil their dish. (Dog: "Hey! Did you just see what they did to my water bowl?!" )
Anyways, it's apparent that cats can't read because usually when I close the door to the bathroom, they push it wide open, leap up on to my shoulders (In an irrisitably cute way) purr and curl up and go to sleep. I end up trying to shut the door with my feet while avoiding waking up my cat (Because you don't want to wake them up. They give cat guilt which just makes things a whole lot worse!) Then I have to wait for them to get bored and leave.... ^^;; Also, CD drives aren't really safe around them either. You're very likely to find teeth marks in the corners of the trays due to frequent random cat-attacks....
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What should I put here today?
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Qix77 User
Posts: 2,991 | Re: Pet Rules on Thursday, November, 03, 2005 8:45 PM
I don't have a cat but if my dog could talk, she'd most likely say these words over and over again 24 hours a day.
Tacos
Chicken
cheeze
burger
cheez burger
bananas (she loves bananas)
cheeze cake
roast beef
frys
toast
gravy
bacon (I don't feed her bacon... but she'd love to have it)
potatos
milk
fish
deer steak
turkey
pork-chops
lamb-chops
rice
hush puppies
eggs
cheetos (my neise's fed her cheetos once)
NO-DOG-FOOD (she hates her dog food)
etc... etc.. etc...
My dog is a big fat pig... but she is my little girl and I love her much.... but, damn!!!! She needs to go on a diet.
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FreedomForever User
Posts: 0 | Re: Pet Rules on Friday, November, 04, 2005 7:56 PM
I have 2 cats, they shed a lot, they sit on the forbidden tables and computer desks, they scratch the carpet and furniture, but I love them. If they could talk, I'd hardly be able to type this-they'd get in my face and yell, "Feed me!"
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DaveTRON User
Posts: 5,314 | Re: Pet Rules on Friday, November, 04, 2005 11:23 PM
My cat is a voyeur. She watches me while I shower in the morning. It creeps me out. Then to top it off she drinks the bath water. Eeeeewwww.order abortion pill abortion pill buy online where to buy abortion pill
DaveTRON
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Tori User
Posts: 0 | Re: Pet Rules on Saturday, November, 05, 2005 5:08 PM
Cats are wierd...
one of my cats eats pistacios (SP?) and peanuts.
==
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KiaPurity User
Posts: 3,488 | Re: Pet Rules on Saturday, November, 05, 2005 5:11 PM
My dogs don't like to be left alone, so they tend to crash into the bathroom door if I'm in it. o_O
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Kia: Cool. I'm a infamous mythological perfect User.
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Qix77 User
Posts: 2,991 | Re: Pet Rules on Saturday, November, 05, 2005 8:42 PM
KiaPurity Wrote:My dogs don't like to be left alone, so they tend to crash into the bathroom door if I'm in it. o_O
Having deaf dogs hit the bathroom door and wonder why it's not opening is kind of funny in a sad way ^^;;; |
I once had a dog that was born blind. Poor girl knew how to get around though. She got ran over by a car and I really miss her. We had our funny moments, but she got around ok... she was like me... always following our noses... lol
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Capt_Capacitor User
Posts: 0 | Re: Pet Rules on Monday, November, 07, 2005 4:16 PM
Tori Wrote:Cats are wierd...
one of my cats eats pistacios (SP?) and peanuts. |
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"and it glows like...TROOOOOON!!!!" - Tommy Talirico
"Nice, now you can have hours of fun playing with your thick glowing rod " - Me
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DaveTRON User
Posts: 5,314 | Re: Pet Rules on Monday, November, 07, 2005 4:37 PM
My cat licks it's own ass........
Oh, wait, they all do that........nevermind. DaveTRON
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Kamui User
Posts: 0 | Re: Pet Rules on Monday, November, 07, 2005 4:45 PM
DaveTRON Wrote:My cat licks it's own ass........
Oh, wait, they all do that........nevermind. |
It's worse when they decide that directly after having done that, they lick you.
~Kamui.EXE
===========================
What should I put here today?
http://mediamaniacgeek.blogspot.com/
TALES OF A MEDIA GEEK |
DaveTRON User
Posts: 5,314 | Re: Pet Rules on Monday, November, 07, 2005 4:49 PM
Kamui Wrote:DaveTRON Wrote:My cat licks it's own ass........
Oh, wait, they all do that........nevermind. |
It's worse when they decide that directly after having done that, they lick you.
~Kamui.EXE
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I always say that to the dog, it grosses my wife out...."Oh good boy. Oh, you've been licking your butt again!" She runs from the room.
Is there any conversation that we can't take too far?
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Kamui User
Posts: 0 | Re: Pet Rules on Monday, November, 07, 2005 4:51 PM
===========================
What should I put here today?
http://mediamaniacgeek.blogspot.com/
TALES OF A MEDIA GEEK |
Boingo_Buzzard User
Posts: 0 | Re: Pet Rules on Monday, November, 07, 2005 5:04 PM
Kamui Wrote:My cat licks it's own ass........
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My dog is WAY disgusting. She:
1) Eats poop. Not just cat poop, but horse and other dog's poop too. (It's not because of a bad diet, I feed her Iams, which is the best dog food out there. She just genuinely likes it.)
2) Eats cat vomit. YUM!!! It's her favorite.
3) Licks garbage cans, the floor, the carpet, and the barbeque.
Neat, huh?
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Kamui User
Posts: 0 | Re: Pet Rules on Monday, November, 07, 2005 5:23 PM
Boingo_Buzzard Wrote:Kamui Wrote:My cat licks it's own ass........
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My dog is WAY disgusting. She:
1) Eats poop. Not just cat poop, but horse and other dog's poop too. (It's not because of a bad diet, I feed her Iams, which is the best dog food out there. She just genuinely likes it.)
2) Eats cat vomit. YUM!!! It's her favorite.
3) Licks garbage cans, the floor, the carpet, and the barbeque.
Neat, huh?
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To those who've seen Mythbusters: "I taught them to eat their own poo..."
~Kamui.EXE
===========================
What should I put here today?
http://mediamaniacgeek.blogspot.com/
TALES OF A MEDIA GEEK |
Nikster User
Posts: 2,691 | Re: Pet Rules on Monday, November, 07, 2005 6:17 PM
Here's more
Dear dogs,
While you know I love you dearly, there are a couple of things that have been bothering me lately. I thought it might help me to get them off my chest. While I have tried to talk to you about it, you seem to miss the point. I thought perhaps a letter might lend it more weight.
1. Feeding time. I feed you adequate amounts of food, and moreover, do so every day, consistently. I would appreciate it if you would limit your enthusiasm at my every movement prior to 7:00 am and until after 10:00 pm. If I roll over in bed, this does not necessarily mean I am getting up to feed you. In the same way, shifting my position on the couch at night does not mean I am getting up to feed you. Also, I am grouchy in the morning when I get up. I would appreciate if if when I shower you not wait at attention at the bathroom door. Please wait until after I have had my coffee. I promise, I won’t forget to feed you. I know I did that once, but that was over 10 years ago and I would appreciate it if you would take into account my exemplary performance since that time.
2. Taking shits. In the mornings, I don’t think that you need to take 20 minutes to sniff and snort at every inch of grass on our small patch of lawn. Let me point out that you shit there twice a day, every day. Over the course of a month, that’s 60 poops each. I’m sure that if you somehow miss taking a dump on the absolutely perfect patch of grass, that you can try to hit it up the next day. Additionally, as I am the one who cleans it up, I can virtually gurantee you that you have shit, at some point or another, on every available inch of grass on that lawn.
3. Medical issues. You are taking advantage of me. I would like to point out, with respect to #2 above, that I would be much harsher with disclipline in this area if it weren’t for Molly’s new incontinence problem Not only did I have to take you, Molly, to the vet as you dribbled out urine in the reception area, I had to buy your medicine from a human pharmacist who I suspect didn’t believe me when I said the medicine was for my dog. Somewhere, there is a computer record of my name and a prescription for incontinence medication, all for your sake. So, just because I now feel obligated to wait and make sure you both squeeze every drop of urine out, doesn’t mean that you need to take advantage of me by taking 20 minutes to find the right spot.
4. The cat. There are a few issues with the cat. First off, I don’t think the cat terribly appreciates it when you sniff her butt. I realize that this is a time-honored canine ritual, but I would like to point out that the cat is not a dog, and therefore does not especially like having her butt sniffed vigorously by two 60 pound dogs. I think I speak for her when I say that lifting both her hind legs in the air as you shove your snouts in her private regions is just plain rude. Second, the litter box is her domain, not yours, and (I speak to you particularly here Emma), you should not be trying to eat her shit. As mentioned in #1, I feed you adequate amounts of food and there is no need to supplement your diet with tasty feline nuggets. I would like to point out that the jar of dog biscuits is for that purpose, and if you behaved properly more often, you might get more of those.
5. Grooming. You both shed enormous amounts of fur. I would very much appreciate if it, when I am brushing you, you not flop over immediately on your bellies. I realize that you like belly rubs, however, the fur on your back, neck and haunches is where the action is, fur-wise, and where I would like to concentrate my efforts. Additionally, when I bathe you, it would be nice if you stood somewhat still, and didn’t target your shakes at me. I think it would be just peachy if you would shake yourself off at some distance, instead of following me around as soon as I put down the hose and waiting until you are close to me to shake off.
6. Ass-licking. I realize that it is in< ________________________
"The flippity on the google loads the Flynn to the disc battles the guy bad. Day wins. Said nuff!" - DaveTRON
Jack Thompson is to attorneys what Fred Phelps is to organized religion - Me
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