How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

In 1954, science solved the insolvable riddle of which came first between the chicken or the egg when it was proven beyond all doubt that, while both of them took a nap, the tortoise crossed the finish line unexpectedly. With this puzzle put to rest, our nation’s best and brightest turned their attention to a much more difficult and equally pressing question: How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
Table of contents
1 The Experiment
1.1 Part 1: Willy
1.2 Part 2: The Competetion
1.3 Part 3: The Contest Begins
1.4 Part 4: Does Not Appear in This Story
1.5 Part 5: The Conclusion
2 The Final Verdict

The Experiment

Part 1: Willy

Almost immediately, the Pentagon launched a nationwide investigation for a prime example of woodchuck, or woodchuckinus mammalia, the greatest physical specimen of woodchuck that they could find. In the dense forests of Oregon, they found their target: A creature of legend so legendary, whose fame was famous throughout the land, the single animal that caused people to look twice before they put any appendages into strange holes. His name was Willy Loman.

Willy the woodchuck was captured and flown back to the Pentagon. There, he was trained exhaustively, fed exorbitantly, and was occasionally used to test shampoos. For five months the creature was trained in order to measure the exact amount of damage that could be done to our nation’s lumber by a rodent at its peak.

Part 2: The Competetion

Frenzy grew among the nation as the appointed day arrived, but something still seemed missing. What would ensure that Willy, upon being set out on his task, wouldn’t instead curl up in a warm beam of sunshine, waking only to eat a few nuts and berries? Luckily, President Oscar Wilde came through with a solution, like he always seems to do. There would be a competitor for Willy to prove himself against, the only man that seemed fit to answer the challenge of a woodchuck. That man was Paul Bunyan, cryogenically frozen and fed nutrients for the past 120 years. In addition, there would be a time limit on this contest of 24 hours. The race was on.

The date was July 4, 1955, our Independence Day. Days off from work, fireworks in the sky, picnics across the nation of purple mountain’s majesty and fruited plains. All of these could be afforded to any average American, save for Willy Loman and Paul Bunyan, who had spent months preparing for this arduous task. The redwood forests of Nebraska had been declared the battlegrounds: Whoever could chuck more wood in a single day would be declared Vice President, Wood Chucker Extraordinaire, and they would be given a nifty template to put on their user page. On 11:59 PM on July 3, the two competitors faced down what they could only guess were the mighty redwoods, because it was dark at that time of night. The countdown began, confusing several old people who didn’t think the new year was to begin for another five months. Finally, the moment arrived. . .

Part 3: The Contest Begins

Like twin tornadoes of sawdust, Paul Bunyan and Willy Loman leapt into the forests and began chucking for all they were worth. Timbers tumbled terrifically as the great forests fell to these two savage competitors. Paul with his great axe and blue ox, Babe, and Willy with his grit, determination and cute little teeth, each tearing apart our nation’s greatest treasure.

It is estimated by official people who know what they’re talking about that nearly half of the total forested areas of Nebraska were cleared away by 11 AM, laying in paths of chucked ruin. Around this time, however, both competitors were feeling the strain. Nothing could have ever prepared them for the arduous task they now faced. They were running on 11 straight hours of furious chucking with no rest and no food. Additionally, Babe, Paul’s blue ox, had broken one of its legs. Paul bravely put Babe out of hisabortion pills online http://www.kvicksundscupen.se/template/default.aspx?abortion-questions cytotec abortion

Or if Peter Paper Pusher had a better paper pusher. How much could Peter paper pusher push?

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